Can everyone just pipe the fuck down?
All pipe jokes aside right now, I am pretty fucking steamed. You know how you can tell? Because I’ve been so incredibly lazy that with all the important, interesting, and highly controversial events happening in the world over the past few months, I’ve haven’t blogged a single thing about any of it…even though a lot of it pissed me righteously off. For those enough lucky (or unlucky enough…yeah, I’m going to go with that) to have my stupid account on Facebook under their “friends” list, you’ve been blessed with the joy of seeing my bitchy “one hundred or less” word rants about various topics via Facebook status updates. Now, I could have turned those into blog entries about the subject here on my Tumblr, but I felt I had more important things to do (such as Christopher Columbus-ing the vast world of Minecraft on my Xbox360, scouring the internet for obscure eighties Glam Rock to add to my iPod…and ultimately, jerking off).
I mean, for fuck sakes…my last entry was a passionate, orgy of curse-words rant about the highly intellectual, life-or-death issue of…junk food in Ontario High Schools. Yup, I deal with only the more hardcore topics on this blog people. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of kitchen, motherfuckers (or in this case, the deep frier. Yes, another thing my blog deals in is poor, badly worded puns and humor that is flatter than a diet Coke left out on the front porch in the hot sun all day. Oh, and apparently, I also deal in bad similes.)
Anyway, my point-which I usually struggle getting to-is that even with all the shit going down (i.e. Joe Biden being a dip-shit about violent video games, Kim Jong-Un being a dip-shit with nukes, Pete Townshend being a dip-shit to children, and Canadian politics being dip-shits to…um…well, just being dip-shits in general), I was pretty pissy about a lot of stuff…but I didn’t get off my to come here and blog about it for whoever may read it (which, at this point, probably won’t be anyone, because if they’re smart they left after the first paragraph. If you’re still reading this, thank you for being stupid enough to stick around). So yeah, just because I am here right now, means I must be pretty worked up about something. I also thought it would be the prefect opportunity to give my humble little excuse for a blog-thing a bit of a reboot. And what better way to do so than to start with a new, weekly feature. Maybe it will get me some more readers, help me want to blog more often, on a regular basis, or make me look like a total douchebag. Actually, wait…the latter is already pretty true. Whatever, you can’t become a douchebag twice, right? Or was it “you can’t catch herpes twice?” I don’t fucking know. So without further ado, I present to you the newest feature of the Daily Nightly blog:
THE WEEKLY “CONGRATULATIONS: YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT” AWARD!”
Each week, I will blog about someone or something who deserves said award and why I believe they do. I would also like to point out, that the strongest contender for this award was actually myself, but you know, I um…didn’t want to…um…present MYSELF with my own award. Wouldn’t that seem just a little too self centered? Yes, I believe giving people an award that deems them to be a fucking idiot is the much more mature, humble way to go with this. But that’s just how I am…a very classy guy.
So, getting back to my earlier pipe related jokes…I’d like to present the first CYAAFI award to TVOntario and the David Suzuki Foundation! Due in part to their involvement with a new video game that is hosted on the TVOntario website, creatively entitled Pipe Trouble.
Recently, the construction of the Keystone XL Pipeline has been a hot topic in the news and with apparent “environmental advocacy” groups, the latter of which claim that the pipeline that transports oil across North America from the Canadian province of Albert would be a natural disaster waiting to happen. Terrible leaks, explosions, health issues and destruction of forests and land are what the environmental groups claim will happen if this pipeline comes to fruition. Of course, they don’t seem to care that the project would create jobs, reduce expensive imports somewhat, and safe time, money and even pollution by not having to truck the oil all over the place. It would be a well needed boost to our economy in a time we all need anything positive like that.
Honestly, I could see what gets environmental groups a little bit antsy over the idea. As friends have pointed out to me, there has been pipeline issues before with environmental implications before. While they weren’t major enough to garner large amounts of attention, they did happen and did need to be attended to. But, unfortunately, this is progress. Anything at all that is human-made is subjected to some sort of screw-up at some point. These mistakes are vital as well, because from them, we can learn to do things better and more efficiently. The Keystone XL Pipeline goes through many different types of rigorous environmental checks by legitimate environmental organizations that aren’t up their own ass with self-political interest. They are concerned about progress and making things work, not garnering enough political support to do things they way THEY see fit.
But I’m going to leave the pro-pipeline VS pro-environmental Nazism argument aside for a little bit, because I’d like to explore a point that’s got me even more weirded out and left in disbelief over the whole issue. The video game Pipe Trouble that I mentioned earlier.
As a game, Pipe Trouble is pretty lame. As a semi-hardcore gamer who is way bug-nutty passionate about gaming in general, I’d like to think I know a little something about gaming to spot a mediocre, lack-luster effort when I see it. And this is Pipe Trouble in a nutshell. You play an aging Mr. Suit-And-Tie guy who is hell bent on getting his jollies from building a pipeline through farmlands, residential areas, and pristine wooded area where Bambi frolics. Okay, so I made up the Bambi part. But I am sure by now you’ve gotten the general idea that I’m a sarcastic asshole. On the other side of the screen is some bearded environmentalist, post hippie dude who gets his jollies on watching your pipeline fail…not to mention has horrible tastes in fashion. Ugh, I mean come on. The Nineteen-Thirties called, and they want those suspenders back. Anyways, the as the game progresses and you try to build your pipeline, the thing sprouts leaks, destroys forests, pisses off bearded hippie dude, and even gets blown up by environmental activists who attack your pipeline. Seriously?
But this isn’t some video game review. I’m not mad that someone put this crap on the internet and considered it a video game (although I could probably fill another blog about that too). The weird part in all this is the fact that not only is the game hosted on a government website, TVOntario, the game was developed using taxpayers money. Yes. No matter what you feel about Keystone, we all payed a little bit for the development of a game that was highly anti-Keystone in its sentiments. All backed by our government. And it doesn’t stop there. Where does our beloved “we-don’t-live-in-a-democracy” David Suzuki fit into all of this? Well, it just so happened that this game which was developed with taxpayers money and released with heavy support from the government was also released as a downloadable (but not free) app for iPod, iPhone & iPad. So if you liked this shitty game enough, you could pay money to download it and play it on the go. And where did that money go? That’s right…to the David Suzuki foundation. I kid you not.
As I said before, I can see where environmental concerns play into the development of the pipeline and I understand that. People have the right to know if they are concerned. But what I find most troubling about the whole issue would have to be how very political it has become, not to mention how political the environmentalist movement has become as well.
Despite my curse-word ridden, immature insulting spewing blogging style (to put it lightly), I’d be more than happy to listen to the people who side with the bearded environmentalist dude in the game. The problem is they use of much government leverage that their ideas become threats to our freedom…that one day their ideas may be implemented by the force of the state. And getting free money from the government via tax payers to create a slanted piece of propaganda which YOU can PERSONALLY use to line your OWN pockets with money makes me shudder even more. One of the wonderful things about our society is our marketplace of ideas. We should argue fervently about what we believe is right, proselytize our beliefs until we are blue in the face, but we should never use our government as a tool to quash the viewpoints of another side with their leverage. Government leverage is a absolute. I’d rather have the freedom to blog here, and call those environmentalist assholes with really bad suspenders, totally fucking backwards rather than have my government think it for me. And when the government starts thinking this way, usually they apply their leverage to shut one side up, using taxpayers money to fit the bill…making us all pay for something we may or may not agree with.
And I’m actually going to take this one step further. Ha, did you think I was done? Does anyone happen to see a painful irony in all of this? I’m pretty sure my fellow gamers must.
After the terrible shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary School in the States, governments across North America were getting pretty cozy with the idea that violent media, namely video games, were to blame for the shootings. Since then, video games have been a subject of contempt for the government, and in several situations they have been very quick to attack them. In fact the Ontario government itself has stated several times “media violence was a priority,” and has a history of trying to relate violence in childhood to violent video games (without much success of course).
Okay, so you all with me so far? Violent video games bad according to Ontario government. SO THEN WHY THE FLYING FUCK WOULD YOU HOST ON THE GOVERNMENT FUNDED TVONTARIO WEBSITE A VIDEOGAME WHERE YOU BLOW SHIT UP?!?! I mean for fuck sakes…sabotaging a pipeline with explosives is pretty much a depiction of a terrorist act. Personally, I don’t care…but it isn’t hard to imagine how someone may consider the game to be violent and contain some pretty nasty violent scenes depicting terrorist attacks. Personally, I strongly believe video games do not lead to any sort of violence in children. But in their ultimate wisdom, the motherfucking Ontario Government fucking does! They’ve stated it over and over. WHY THEN DO THEY FUCKING HOST A VIOLENT VIDEO GAME ON ONE OF THEIR WEBSITES?! FUCK! The hypocrisy, misuse of taxpayer money and David Suzuki making money off all of this has earned TVOntario and the David Suzuki Foundation my “You Are a Fucking Idiot” award! Well done guys!
Just please stop running to the government like the tattle-tale kid in the school yard, just because you are too fucking lazy to get the point across on your own. I don’t need any government help to say “fuck you!” and you shouldn’t either.
*******UPDATE******** While I did want to provide a link to the game in my blog, TVOntario has since pulled the game from its website. I applaud them for this move, I’m glad someone realized that hosting it was probably a bad idea. Now can they refund the money that we payed into it?
“The more you disrespect my land, the more things will heat up!”